Write.
You’re supposed to write now.
About myself? About what….how I see differently? How people should listen to me… That sounds really arrogant.
I sure as hell don’t feel any motivation to do anything of the sort.
Period, a punctuation point. Done.
Breathe.
Oh.
I wasn’t really in my body was I?
Question mark?
Punctuation to be continued.
Contemplation.
Sigh.
Look around, I’m in a hotel…not cold, but not warm.
In every way.
Im not going to pretend that this style of writing is easy to understand or not, as I can’t fully know myself,
but I now feel more involved in my body and my process. I think I can handle writing it out a little better at this time.
I am opening a website, officiating my brand, renovating my social media accounts, and even largely changing my daily routines for this new wave of my life.
Breathe.
Im excited…
Breathe
Past that, I feel fear.
Can I do this?
Will I fail?
I have an instant answer to both questions.
Almost certainly.
Now I’m smiling…I feel much more connected to the keyboard, and to my feelings.
Almost enjoying this.
I don’t love writing. I do not view myself as a writer, but as an artist, who should use many different forms of communication.
I spent a lot of time learning how to write, but I’ve never felt like a natural at it.
Honestly. I don’t really think I’m a natural at almost anything.
Do I have talent? Yes, definitely.
But beyond that…everything that I create is my art, and I take that very seriously.
Im also guessing that most of what you see as talent is actually just the result of a pattern of behavior over a long space of time.
One definition of intelligence my Grandfather used to tell me about, said that its not what you know, but your ability to learn what you need to know.
This feels a lot like my process as an artist.
I find that the general public has a lot of misconceptions about the artistic process, largely coming from hobbyists that don’t usually have a rhythm to their art.
The rhythm in my opinion, is the hardest part, and its NOT glamorous.
Its just human.
Its the procrastination, the fearful thoughts of other peoples judgement, or worse. Your own…
Not knowing how to go forward, letting your body try to manipulate you out of success.
What if you fail?
Once again. You will.
You see these pictures that we have of artists lifestyles…they seem inaccurate to me. Not in that its not what we’re seeing…it is, but that it really isn’t the whole picture, of what it can be.
I watched a newer art movie recently…or rather I tried to watch, me and my ex ended up turning it off, because it was just stereotypes of radical and emotionally handicapped artists.
It was heart breaking, because I know that a lot of people think that I’m like that, partially because I have been.
It makes it a lot easier to be an emotional wreck, when that is what we see, and is expected from our artist role models.
I honestly don’t believe I am emotionally incompetent. I do let myself feel all of it, I am aware of waves of emotion that come and go and I make decisions with awareness of the weight of my responsibilities. but I understand the connection. Because at times I’m batshit emotional!!!
The connection is the emotional awareness to ones self.
But it often doesn’t look like maturity…because society tells us that maturity is often just masking our emotions.
Let me take a second to say this…I fully believe that masking emotions is completely necessary at times, and I don’t put it down. Instead I try to be aware when its present, and use it as little as possible, myself. Other people seem very capable of using both tools daily. Who am I to say?
In fact, I will also go so far as to say that our work environments seem to be built with that as a necessity. And often times you will get fired if you let your emotions show too much, or in an unacceptable way.
But in my life taking on every ounce of pain in an emotionally turbulent situation, has an incredible amount of energy, that can be harnessed into any creative endeavor.
The ability to transfer ones emotions into physical objects is to me, the truest form of art.
Magic.
p.s. I also use the term “physical object” loosely.
So yes magically turning anger or pain into art…That all sounds amazing in writing…but in actuality, its ugly and dirty, and most people look away when we really have a chance to see how hard it is.
I believe that being an artist, is far more about habitual patterning and a lifestyle that welcomes it, than a natural talent for…well anything.
But Its when we get into these lifestyle choices…that the world starts kicking back.
Starts saying things like, ohh are you really going to be a reject to society?
Are you really going to make a fool out of yourself and have public emotional breakdowns, are you going to have to be poor and starve for awhile?
Are all famous artists just arrogant mysoginists?
You can just be normal and not have to fight your whole life.(and so much more…)
But… Yes and no.
You see, Weve built those stereotypes ourselves. And I believe we can break them.
Art is an emotional process, but the way we do that could be a lot more openly accepted, if we talked more about it, and we ironed out some of the wrinkles…
I feel like at this point, most of you still reading are like…yea we know this….why are you acting like we don’t.
Because I actually don’t think all of you do.
Now this excludes everyone who can access their emotions on a daily basis and extend that into creativity and completion, on command again and again.
That’s what I’m saying…if you can’t do that everyday….than you can not fully understand.
And that is ok! Its just a different engine.
We don’t always have to understand as much as appreciate.
No ones shaming you.
It’s just a lifestyle some people choose to live, and others don’t…and that to me is the key difference in artists vs. non artists. Talent is almost nonexistent in this equation.
I feel like in order to conclude my point, I need to address all the things I’m talking about that are not actually physical. I understand the irony of a visual artist dealing with unseen things, but as much as they are unseen….the repercussions are far from invisible.
Now, what exactly am I talking about?
Constructs. Societal norms. Widely accepted unspoken social agreements.
If you’re going to do something…then this is the parameters of what society says is a “normal” way of going about it.
Once again I believe that this is the sacrifice that artists are willing to make.
To really look, to question, to doubt, to push farther, to find another way ….in short to look and then improvise.
This is the gift and the sacrifice of a true artist.
It is necessary to society, it is vital in different parts of our life, and it is essential to Humanity.
The amazing artists you see….they weren’t given a talent you could never posess. They command a sacrifice that you’re not willing to take.
So.
This is my challenge to you.
Wether you be a full-time artist, an aspiring one, a hobbyist, or a business professional wondering why you can’t do what others can…
You can. We all can.
But humanity lives off of sacrifices.
You make yours and I make mine.
Lets try to be more aware of how many choices we really have.
Lets try our best, to see through the boxes.